Just gets weirder and weirder
by c-brunette
Summary: Okay...this is officially complete. Maybe i will write another of my stories. Until then, adieu!
1. Chapter 1

Hermione woke up to her alarm playing her favourite song: Bad Day, by Dan Brown. She laughed as she thought of how ironic it was that the song was saying how someone had a bad day when she knew that this day was going to be one of the best days of her life. She was 17. It was her birthday and she was now "of age". She could do magic outside of school!

It was a few days before school was going to start so she decided to meet up with her friends at Diagon Alley. She chose her black hipster jeans and a white strappy top. She had changed just a bit over the summer. She wore makeup, but not too much, just a bit of eyeliner, mascara and a light pink lipgloss. She had also bought a curler, a straightener and a crimper so she changed her hair a lot. Today, it was going to be in ringlets. She went downstairs, told her parents she was going and went off.

She arrived in Diagon Alley and looked around. She thought she saw a bit of red hair but when she looked again, it was gone. Suddenly, a voice appeared next to her. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the mudblood," a voice droned in her ear. "Sod off Malfoy, you know you aren't wanted here." She retorted. "Ooo, feisty now, aren't we? You do know what I do with the feisty ones, don't you? Or do you want me to show you?" he whispered. "Ugh Malfoy, just leave me alone". She watched as he turned on his heel and walked off. _He has grown at least 5 inches. And the smirk…..WAIT A SECOND! GROSS! I'm thinking of Malfoy in this way. But his hair, the blondeness…NO! NO! NO! HERMIONE JANE GRANGER YOU WILL NOT THINK OF HIM IN THAT WAY! Fine, ill do it when you aren't here. But im your conscience, im always here. _

"Shit" she swore. Then, Ron Weasley, one of her best friends, started coming towards her. "Hermione! Wow, great to see you! How've you been? Oh, Harry is coming soon" She stared at him. He had grown taller too and his hair was longer. He was kinda cute. _But not as cute as Malfoy…._ Her conscience teased her. _Shut up!_ "Hey Ron, havnt seen you in a long time. Im great." They embraced each other and talked until Harry came. "Hey 'Mione. Wait, this is Mione, isn't it Ron?" He stared at me, confused. "Im not too sure. I mean, Hermione Granger never wears makeup." Ron said. They were just teasing her.

"And have you seen Malfoy! Wow, what a hottie!" Ron exclaimed, but quickly put his hand over his mouth. "Oh my God. Ron, remember how we went to that café? The Orange Fold? Well, when you had that drink, I slipped a potion into it, you know, just for fun. I got it from Fred and George. They told me to give it to you. Wait, they mentioned something about your thoughts being said aloud!" said Harry. Hermione had a look of horror, disgust and amusement all on her face at the same time. This was awkward…

"Ron, is there something you wish to tell us?" Hermione asked. "Um, well.." Ron squeaked. "Oh come on Ron, your gay. So what?" Harry said. Just then, Malfoy waled past them. "Is my hearing gone or did I just hear that Ronald Weasley is gay?" Ron turned crimson but looked at Malfoy. Hermione could see drool coming off of his mouth. Yup, Ronald Barney Weasley was gay and in love with Malfoy. "So, scarface, you going out with mudblood?" Malfoy sneered. "No Malfoy, im not. We are just friends. But from the way you are looking at her, I think you wish you were going out with her" Harry said stiffly. "Pfft, as if I would waste my eyes and emotions on THAT piece of filth!" Malfoy smirked.

Hermione dragged Harry and Ron away from Malfoy before any of them created World War 3. Besides, it was her birthday. She didn't want it ruined by some measly little ferret. _Not so measly any more though, eh Hermione! _Stupid conscience. "Soooo, Hermione, what do you want to do for your birthday today?" Harry asked. "Well, a cup of coffee would be a good start" she smiled at them. They headed towards the Orange Fold. Just then, Ron shouted "Oh my god! Im wearing a g-string!" He closed his mouth, then opened it, doing the goldfish act. "Did I just say that out loud guys?" Hermione and Harry were too busy laughing to answer him. They laughed and ate and talked the whole day until Hermione had to get home. Her parents were making her special birthday dinner: Fries and Icecream, followed by drumsticks. Yes, her parents were DEFINITELY weird.

She thought about today. She had had a very interesting day. Disturbing and horrifying. She had found out that Ron was gay and liked none other than Draco Malfoy. She had found out that Ron was wearing a g-string. And she had gotten a crush on Draco Malfoy.

Boy, was this gonna be one scary year.


	2. Chapter 2

The whistle of the Hogwarts Express blew 10 times to show that it was ready to go. Hermione said goodbye to her parents and headed towards the train. She looked at her Head Girl badge proudly. She would have to share a compartment with Head Boy, who was probably from Slytherin, part of Dumbledore's way of House Unity. _Oh well. I hope it's Draco Malfoy. No you don't, you hate him, remember? But don't YOU remember his hair and his eyes and that smirk? I am you, of course I realise his good looks, I just choose to ignore them and focus on his arrogant behaviour. Stupid ferret. _She went into the Head's compartment to find none other than Draco Malfoy. He eyed her **Yup, still looks the same. But from what I've heard, she has a different attitude.**

Hermione noticed him looking at her and tried not to blush. She took out a book, a romance novel. She started reading it. Draco looked at her in interest. **She was still a bookworm… **Just then, Ron Weasley came into the room. The moment he saw Draco he stuttered and his ears went red. "Uh, um, H..h..her…hermione…um, well, you see…i..i..i…want…wanted to t..t..talk to you about w…what h..happened th…the other d..day…." Draco looked at Ron and said "Hey Weasley, what did u do this summer?" Ron gazed at Draco and drool hit the floor. "Eww, chat man, not cool Weaslebee!" Draco said, looking horrified. "But you act like you like me…" Ron exclaimed. "No, im just testing you" Draco teased. "What happens if I touch you here" he touched him on the cheek "Or here: he touched him on the shoulder "Or here" he touched him on the leg. Ron looked like he was in heaven but quickly snapped out of it when Draco said, "Oh my fucking god, Weaslebee is in love with me!" Draco looked disgusted and sent Ron away.

"Nice show you put on Malfoy" I drawled. I went back to my book. "I have to go get changed" I said, after I heard that we were nearly there. "Change in here, I wont look" Draco said, cheekily. I would have loved to but it would ruin my reputation. So I didn't. "For your information, Malfoy, I am not prepared to stand here and strip for you, so go away" I said, as calmly as possible. Draco left. I picked up my robes and put them on over my muggle clothing. Draco came back dressed as well. Professor McGonagall came and told us the Head's responsibilities and where we would be living. "Well, normally you would each have separate rooms, separate bathrooms and would share a Common Room but after the explosion last year…in other words, you will have to sleep in the same room. Don't worry, separate beds of course and they will be at separate ends of the room. You will share a bathroom and a Common room as well. Share share share!" she added and then left Malfoy and I with stricken looks on our faces. "Same room!" We yelled together, then we looked at each other and screamed.

We stayed at separate corners in the carriage on the way to the castle. We did not speak. We did not look at each other. Everything was still. We reached the castle and trudged to our separate tables. Two strong arms engulfed me. It was Harry, with a, yet again, drooling Ron by his side. "Ugh, Ron, cover your mouth, people don't need to see your drool, it's a real turn off" I told him. He wasn't listening. He was looking at Draco. _My Draco. He is all mine! Back off Ronald Weasley! He's mine! All mine!_ My conscience cackled evilly to itself. I told it to go away and went and said hi to Parvati and Lavender. They looked happy and told me that they had written a list of Hot and Not of the guys. They even showed me a copy. I scanned through it.

Hot and Not list

By Parvati and Lavender

Draco Malfoy (I rolled my eyes. _Of course)_

Harry Potter (_Double of course_)

Justin Finch-Fletchley (A/N Is that how it is spelt:s)

Blaise Zabini

Dean Thomas

Seamus Finiggan

Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy

"This is stupid guys" I said, "You have written Malfoy's name 5 times!"

"So?" The girls said together.

"Anyways Hermione, we also wrote a Hot list of girls…" Lavender said while Parvati squealed. They handed me that one as well.

Hot List

By Parvati and Lavender

Parvati

Lavender

Hermione

Ginny

Cho

Katie

Parvati

Lavender

Parvati

Lavender

"Guys, this is just as stupid as they guy list!" I said, just not as harsh, seeing as I was number 3…

"Oh come on Hermy, its just a bit of fun"

"Don't ever call me Hermy ever again, you hear me?" I got up and stomped off.

Professor McGonagall was walking towards me with Malfoy in tow. "Ah, Ms. Granger. There you are. I will now show you and Mr. Malfoy your rooms…I mean room" Malfoy and I groaned. We followed the Professor up one staircase, then another until we came upon a painting of a little boy with brown hair and brown eyes and a little girl with pale blond hair and grey eyes. Malfoy scanned it but shrugged. "Okay you two. The password is Featherflies. Enjoy your stay" She walked away.

I looked at Malfoy and he looked at me. We walked to our room and I chose a bed nearer to the window. I sat on my bed and Malfoy sat on his. We looked at each other. We had nothing to say.

I was in a room with the hottest guy in school and I had absolutely nothing to say.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to all my reviewers. You guys r awesome! K, here is the next chapter..**

I finally got to sleep. Draco was murmuring something in his sleep but I tried to block him out. I couldn't. His murmuring got louder and louder until I could hear it. "Oh baby, you look so hot. Wanna talk for a while?" he said. Then he moved around and was sorta….feeling himself or something. I got up to see what he was doing. I looked at him from where I was standing. He was hugging himself.

"Wake up!" I screamed in his ear. "Huh, what?" he said, looking around. His hair was tousled and his cheeks were flushed. Aww, he looked so cute! "Wow Malfoy, didn't think you felt that way about yourself…I mean, with all of the hugging and groaning. Who could live with you?" I said. He blushed. _Wow, did he just blush?_ He muttered something under his breath and rolled over, trying to get back to sleep. I turned to go but he grabbed onto my hand. "Granger, stay with me" he mumbled. I had to keep my mouth open so I wouldn't die from holding my breath in. Malfoy wanted me, me of all people, to sleep with him. Wait, that sounded wrong. He just wanted me to lie on the bed. I started to lie down and he grabbed my hand again and snuggled into me. I eventually feel into a deep sleep and dreamt of a certain blond.

In the morning I woke up to find an empty space next to me. Malfoy had gone. I heard the shower on so I assumed he was in there. Then I heard a door open, then close and then a scream. I walked into the bathroom to find Draco screaming like a girl with his towel around his waist so I could see his six-pack. I then saw why he was screaming. Ron was in the bathroom with a corset and a g-string on. It was the most horrifying image I had ever seen and I will be scarred for life. It reminded me of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also had a feather boa around his neck and makeup on. But the most horrific thing of all was that he was trying to seduce Malfoy. He was wiggling his hips and winking at him. It was scary. I was afraid. Very afraid.

"Ronald Weasley. I demand that you get out of my bathroom RIGHT NOW!" I yelled at him. I pointed to the door. But he wasn't listening to me. He was too busy staring at Malfoy's six-pack. I also had to admit, it WAS a good site. But it's not for Ron to look at. Malfoy is mine. Ron's drool hit the floor. And I did something incredible. I slapped Ronald Weasley.

"Ow! Hey, Hermione! What was that for?" he shouted. "Would you please leave my bathroom?" I said calmly. "Oh" he said and he looked around sheepishly and walked out. I turned to Malfoy and said "Wow, and to think I thought he liked me. I mean come o-" I was cut off by Draco's lips. I was surprised. He always looked like he would kiss somebody roughly, but this was gentle. He pulled away for air. And we stood there for a while. Neither of us saying a word.

It was only when I started to open my mouth that he actually put his hand on my mouth and did all of the talking. "Hermione Granger, I think I might l..like you" he said. I licked his hand so his hand would move and said "Draco Malfoy, I might like you too". We went out of the bathroom and into the Common Room. I was still fully aware that he was still only wearing a towel around his waist but he didn't seem to mind. We sat on the couch and I rested my head on his shoulder. When we heard a knock on the door we sprang apart and Draco went to get changed while I answered the door. It was Harry.

"Um hey 'Mione. Um, well, Ron, as you might already know, is sorta acting a bit, okay, a lot, like he likes me. And, frankly Hermione, im…scared." He started to cry. I'd cry too if my friend had been gay for a long time and might have perved on me without me realising. I hugged him tight and told him it would be okay. I then let him go back to his room. Draco peeked out of the room and asked "Is it safe?" I nodded

He ran over to me, but tripped over a random book that was on the floor. I blushed, noticing it was my book. I helped him up and somehow my hands ended up running through his hair while his hands were on my waist. Yep, we were kissing again. It was weird, because this time I was thinking. I though _Wow, how can you be enemies with someone like Draco for 6 years and then suddenly just start making out with them?_

He must have thought the same thing because he broke the kiss first. And I knew it wasn't because he needed some air. He looked at me straight in the face and I felt weak at the knees. He sat me down and told me "Hermione, you know we can't do this. Sure, my dad is dead and Voldemort was defeated but what will everyone else think? They will think we are stark raving mad! They might throw rocks at us!" At that he quivered and sat down on the couch next to me. I looked at him and said "Malfoy, do you seriously care what everyone will think of us?" he shook his head and we started to plan how to tell everyone else.

"Okay, on Thursday morning we should go into the Great Hall holding hands. That way, people will be able to tell. We should then sit at the same table. At breakfast it's my table and at lunch it's yours and so on. Then we should sit next to each other in classes and hold hands at every opportunity." He finished speaking and I was amazed at how smart he was. It was settled, we would do all of the things he came up with. We would just have to try and stay away from Ron…

**What do you guys think of it? Good? Bad? In the middle? Oh, and I don't mind if anyone gives me flames, even if it IS my FIRST Harry Potter fanfic….**

**K, please Read and Review! Thanks!**

**C-brunette**


	4. Chapter 4

**Soz for making them fall in love too fast… ne ways, here is the new chapter! Oh, n thnx to all my reviewers!**

When I got to the Great Hall, I was holding hands with Draco. Its weird, me calling him Draco and him calling me Hermione..after so long. Any ways, we got there and the whole hall went silent. I heard whispers "OMG! Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy..holding hands? What is this world coming too!" "Aww, how sweet…they have been fighting for TOO long!" "How could she do that to us? She knows we like him!" "How could he do that? She's a mudblood!" All of these whispers going around the room while we are fully aware of what they are saying. Draco gave me a quick peck on the cheek and we went our separate ways.

Ron was talking animatedly to Harry. Today he was wearing a beret, a red one, and a black Singlet with a big skirt on. He actually looked good as a girl. Harry was trying to get away from him because Ron seemed to be puckering up his lips (he had red lipstick on, to "match my beret" he told me) and Harry was terrified. He got up from the table, pushed past me, and ran all the way to his room where he locked it.

"Whats up with him?" Ron asked me, trying his best to look…innocent. "I dunno, probably ate something bad" I lied. "Oh, okay. So, hermione, how's life? How's _Malfoy_ treating you?" He asked, emphasising Malfoy. "Well, Dra-Malfoy is actually being nice to me. I don't really know why though. Why'd you ask?" I told him. "Well….I was wondering if you could hook Malfoy and I up. I really want to go out with him." He said, winking. Ugh, the wink. I remember when he had done that to girls, for girls. Not to girls, for guys. But oh well, at least id have someone to talk to about Draco. Oh, wait, no I wouldn't..he likes Draco. But Draco was for me, and me only.

"I think im gonna go now" I said, edging away from him as I saw Draco mouth "follow me". "okay Hermione, but remember what I said. If you hook me up with Malfoy, then you will show what a TRUE friend you are. I'll always remember you then Hermione. Please do it. For me." Wow, talk about a guilt trip! I walked away, guiltily might I add, to where Draco was. I told him all about Ron and he was scared. We went into an empty classroom and talked about what we should do. Then I looked at my watch and realised with a yelp that we were late for potions. Of course, we couldn't go in together, it would look too suspicious. So I went and got my stuff and went to class, where Draco was there already.

Snape told me off and gave me a detention. _Oh well. Better luck next time. _I sat next to Ron and Harry. Harry asked to switch places with me. I ended up sitting next to Ron and Lavender. Lavender was trying desperately to convince Ron that he should like her, but he argued and she questioned his sexuality. Ron had had enough. He stood on his chair,. Ripped off his top, to reveal yet another corset and ripped off his pants to reveal short gold shorts. _Another Rocky Horror Picture Show dejavu. _I groaned. He started to sing. I hid my head under the desk. I already knew the words…

_How'd you do I,_

_See you've met my,_

_Faithful handyman. _

_He's just a little brought down because_

_When you knocked_

_He thought you were the candyman._

_Don't get strung out_

_By the way I look_

_Don't judge a book by it's cover_

_Im not much of a man_

_By the light of day_

_But by night il one hell of a lover_

_Im just a sweet transvestite_

_From transsexual_

_Transelvania._

_Haha_

_Let me show you around,_

_Maybe play you a sound._

_You look like your both pretty groovy._

_Or if you want something visual_

_That's not too abysmal  
We can rent in an old Steve Reeves movie._

_Im glad we caught you at home_

_Could we use your phone._

_We're both in a bit of a hurry._

_We'll just say where we are_

_Then go back to the car_

_We don't want be any worry._

_Well you got caught with a flat_

_Well, how bout that_

_Well babies, don't you panic._

_By the light of the night_

_It'll all seem alright._

_Ill get you a satanic Mecanic_

I whispered the words.

_Im just a sweet transvestite,_

_From transsexual transelvania haha_

_Why don't you stay for the night (night)_

_Or maybe a bite (bite)_

_I could show you my favourite obsession._

_Ive been making a man_

_With blonde hair and a tan._

_And he's good for relieving my tensions._

_Im just a sweet transvestite,_

_From transsexual transelvania_

_So, come up the the lab_

_And see whats on the slab_

_I see you shiver with anitca_

_Pation_

_But maybe the rain_

_Isnt really to blame_

_So I'll remove the cause_

He laughed

_But not the symptoms!_

And with that he ran out of the rooms, ignoring the cruel laughs that followed him. He had shown everyone how much of a…man he was. The next few days went along uneventfully, except for the fact that Draco and I were secretly dating and would snog passionately behind each empty classroom door late at night. It was heaven, being with him. Of course it was also hell having to sit in front of Ron and Harry with my makeup all smooshed together, but I just told them I had stayed up the whole night studying. Ron was getting aggravated. He wanted Draco. I really wanted to tell him that Draco was all mine and that I had him first, but I couldn't.

But just because I couldn't, doesn't mean I wont. Draco and I had a chat about our relationship. We came to a decision: we would tell our friends. Draco was going to tell Pansy first, while I would tell Harry. I went up to Harry and said "Harry, if one of your friends ever loved somebody you hated, would you ever talk to them again?" Harry understood what I was saying and asked "Is this about Malfoy and you?" I gasped "How did you know? I asked, blushing furiously. "Well, the makeup smeared was a dead giveaway that you were seeing someone and Malfoy kept staring at you, with a dreamy look in his eyes PLUS you blushed everytime you saw him" _Oh._ I blushed an even darker red. "It was that obvious?" I squeaked. Harry just nodded and put his arms around me to hug me. I was so happy that he understood.

Draco and I met up afterwards to discuss what had happened. I told him what Harry said and he told me what happened with Pansy. It was quite funny really. He had gone up to her and said "Pansy, do you like Hermione Granger?" "Who's that?" she asked. "Um, sorry, Granger?" Her frown broke into a grin. "Silly Draco, I like you, as in a boy, not Granger, filthy mudblood girl" She laughed. "No no no, I mean, suppose, hypothetically, I DID like Granger…what would you say?" Her face which normally looked like an ugly pug turned into a horrified and scared pug. "But you like me, right? We're getting married next year, right? We're gonna have 42 kids, right? We're gonna love each other till we die, right?" God, too many questions! "No Pansy, I have never liked you. We are never getting married, I would rather die in the most humiliating way than have babies with you, let alone 42 and we will never love each other, because you need two people to play that game" He had tried to break it off easily, but she had just broken down and cried. And you know what? I didn't feel sorry for her at all.

Task 2: Tell Ron. This was gonna be hard.

**K, so that's the next chapter. Sorry for taking soooo long. Just I have exams coming up, so I've been studying. So ya. Hoped you liked it! C-brunette**


	5. Chapter 5

**K, so that's the next chapter. Sorry for taking soooo long. Just I have exams coming up, so I've been studying. So ya. Hoped you liked it! C-brunette**

**You guys have no idea how sorry and guilty I am. You see, I have exams this week so ive been studying loads and loads and loads (hehe). So im so sorry and thanks to the FOUR people that reviewed my story for this chapter… id like some more for my next chapter tho..**

**Thankyou's to reviewers:**

**Draco n hermione foreva- ya, the song is rlly funny. Luv the movie. Thnx for reviewing!**

**Lys- thnx Lys for reviewing!**

**THEDEMENTEDSOCK- luv ur nic. Yup, im updating now.**

**Sugar Quill High-you always review my story, thnx so much! O, n how do I get into the c2 u sent me:s**

**Ok, next chapter…**

I found Ron in the girl's bathroom crying his eyes out. I patted his shoulder and he cried into my shoulder. We had a talk about how he just wanted to be accepted by the school. A thought came to his mind "what am I gonna tell my parents? Or my brothers? Or Ginny!" He continued to bawl his eyes out while I let him cry and told him everything would be okay.

Then, he stopped crying. This was a signal to say that I could have my say now. "Um, Ron? You know how you like Draco?" I asked him. He wiped his eyes, cleaned his face, put on makeup and smiled at me. "Yes, yes I do. Are you going to take me to him? Because I had a feeling that was why you were here. I brought my best dress and my best makeup as well. Do you think he'll like me? Is he really gay? Will it last long? Will i-" I cut him off. "Ron, um, there's no easy way to say this but…iamgoingoutwithDracoandheisnotgaybecasuehelovesme." I mumbled quickly. "What did you say Mione? I didn't quite catch that" Ron said, with a concerned expression on his face. I took a deep breath.

"I am going out with Draco and he is not gay because he loves me" I said. I decided to turn and leave, but Ron grabbed me by the shoulder and turned me around. I could see tears in his eyes. His makeup was starting to smear again. He hugged me tight and said "Mione, if you lay one finger on him in an attempt to hurt him, I will kill you. But otherwise, he is all yours" I smiled, glad that he had accepted me. Now I had to tell Harry…

Harry was busy snogging Ginny. I had to turn my head away to stop myself from…throwing up all over them…not that they would have noticed. "Chem chem." I said, clearing my throat. That didn't get their attention. "Chem chem." I said even louder. They continued on. I grabbed my book _Hogwarts a History_, which is about 3,000 pages long, and hit them over the head. THAT got their attention. "Ow" they said at the same time. _Serves them right _Hermione thought. "Harry, we need to talk" Hermione said, looking from Harry to Ginny, then back to Harry. "alone". Harry stared at me for a few seconds before figuring out that it was important. "Ginny, please leave us for a bit. We'll continue…_this_ later on" he told her. Ginny stood up and walked out.

"What do you want to talk about 'Mione?" he asked gruffly. I hadn't seen him in ages. "yes. Its about…me" His eyes widened in shock. I had never talked about myself to anyone so it was important. "Carry on" he said. "well…I really like someone in our year but I know you'd disapprove so I'm telling you that no matter what you say, I'll still like this person" I said in one whole breath. Harry rose an eyebrow. "It's Malfoy, right?" he asked. "How on earth did you know?" I asked, blushing my head off. _Great, he knows_. "Well….I saw the looks, the stares, the conversations, no glaring and he didn't pick on Ron or me" Harry said, looking proud of his _detective _work.

I walked out of the Gryffindor Common Room in a daze. If Harry had figured it out, why couldn't anybody else? I ran into someone. "Sor..oh, its you" It was Draco. I hugged him and we walked into an empty classroom so I could tell him all about Harry and Ron. He told me about his "friends" first. "I went to Goyle and he was stuffing his face with food so he didn't really care about what I was saying. I went to Crabbe and I found him snogging Pansy. I didn't even flinch. I don't like her, remember? So I told him and he didn't listen because Pansy was whining. Then I went to Blaise, my best friend. He was with Cho Chang, that girl from Ravenclaw with the Irish accent, even though she's Chinese. Well, they stopped and Blaise and I talked alone. I told him and he punched me, but you cant see it. He did it in _that_ place." He motioned to _down there_. I cracked up laughing and he eventually cracked. We had a major fight about who was laughing the loudest.

Somehow, we ended up snogging……..

**Soz for taking so long. Well. Really short chapter…I know. But ill write a long one next chapter. Promise. Oh, and reviewer number 45 will get a character named after them. Ta ta for now!**

**C-brunette**


	6. Chapter 6

**C-brunette**

**Omg, review number 45! Well done to all my fab reviewers! Oh, btw, all of my reviewers MUST watch Rocky Horror Picture Show before reading this chapter. If you don't, well, you wont understand it as much as you would if you had seen the movie….**

We stopped for breath and sat there for a long time, trying to figure out what to say to one another. But the only thing that came was silence. I stood up to walk out the classroom and walked into the corridor. Where was this leading to? What might happen? My thoughts were interrupted by a loud shriek. I got up fast and ran to where the shrieks were coming from. I eventually got there I saw Neville. Everyone knows Neville. We have always thought he might be a transvestite but never have really known. But now our thoughts have been confirmed. There was Neville, dressed up with a whip and chains dangling in his hands. And there was Ron, lying on the floor, getting whipped by Neville. Neville seemed to be having fun, but Ron wasn't. I took the whip out of Neville's hand and just as he started to chain Ron to the (chem. chem.) floor… I said a random spell and the chains flew into my hands. I picked up the shrieking Ron from the floor and levitated him to his room.

While we were there I asked him why he was shrieking. He confessed to me that he didn't like Neville in that way and just wanted to be friends with him and nothing more. But Neville had said he loved Ron much more than a friend and wanted to start a relationship with him, starting off with making babies. I heard a faint "Ron, have my babies!" coming from outside Ron's room. After that there were just random quotes such as "Take me to pleasure town Ronny!", "Is that you Neville?" asked Ron. "Im afraid so Ron, but isn't it NICE?" was the reply. "Please go away Neville, im saving myself for someone special" said Ron. "Well, im sure you're not spent yet!" came the giggled reply from Neville. "Please go away" was the exasperated reply from Ron "But Ron, it could be wonderful! You could look radiantly beautiful. Right now you are plain old Ronald Weasley. Now you can be Ron Longbottom!"

By then I could realise Neville was quoting Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hmmm, he and Ron would get along quite nicely, seeing that Ron did his whole "sweet transvestite song…" I kissed Ron goodbye (on the CHEEK! Not what you are thinking) and went on my merry way to my own common room.

I walked to my room and said the password. I went to my bed. I lay down. I dreamt.

I was woken up by Harry, who was chattering excitedly. "What is it Harry?" I groaned. "Well, there is a new girl at school and..i think she likes me!" Harry said. "What's her name and where is she from?" I asked as I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes. "Her name is Steph and she is a muggleborn, just like you!" Well, did that wake me up! "What? Another muggleborn, here, in the school? Now? Where? Oh, and is her full name Stephanie? If it is Stephanie Bortall, then I will simply kill myself! I went to school with a girl named Stephanie Bortall." I blabbered on and on, not noticing that someone else had joined us in the room. It was Stephanie, my friend. (Which of course, Hermione/ the author has never talked about before, so it's a random friend)

Stephanie had always been a dark person. Not Goth, not emo, not punk. Just…dark. Her facial features were dark, her hair was black and straight, going all the way down her back and her face was white, like Draco's. Her eyes were a soft violet but her pupils were always huge, giving her a great look. "Oh my god! Steph!" I screamed. Steph stared at me as if she actually did not recognise me. It was weird.

"Who are you?" she asked, looking at me carefully. I was amazed she didn't recognise me. I looked in the mirror. Oh. My makeup was smeared everywhere (because of Draco) my hair was a mess and my school uniform was crumpled because I had accidentally slept in it. "Oh, just a second" I said, as I raced into my bathroom. I cleaned myself up and walked back into the room. "OH MY GAWD!" Steph shrieked as she ran up to me to hug me. "You look so different Steph" I said, looking at her. "Herms, you look fabulous!" she said, inspecting me. A cough interrupted us. It was Harry. "Oh, sorry Harry. Here Steph, go off with Harry, but meet me here tonight. We have much to discuss". Harry raised an eyebrow and shook his head dismissively. I took this as a sign, meaning Harry wanted to spend time with Steph tonight. "on second thought, I have loads of homework to do. Go spend some time with Harry" I said, looking at Harry who mouthed a 'thank you' in my direction.

They left the room so I could get changed into something more…casual. For some reason, Dumbley-dore wanted everyday to be a weekend, so basically, no homework, no classes, and no smelly old, greasy-haired potions teachers. Yippee!

I walked into the dungeons anyway. Why? Because I was bored and wanted to make some random potion to make me fly. Yes, its true, I Hermione Jane Granger am not afraid of heights. I just use that to make the guys fall for me if I do, **accidentally ** drop off a broom **evil laugh** . So, as I was walking down I heard someone saying "No, please don't. No, really, don't do that to me, please, im begging you! Please nooooo!" I ran into the room to find Professor Snape with a little boy against the wall. Yes, Professor Snape is a paedophile. And gay. And who should the little boy be but little Colin Creevy. And his brother, Dennis. Oh, and maybe one of their random friends in the corner, being forced to watch his own Professor suck the mouth off their friends.

I stood there, glued to the floor. I knocked over a glass or potion or watever of something that turned out to be a good thing. I started to (as all authors say) fill out in all the right places. Suddenly Seamus walks by and wolf whistles at me. Goodness gracious me! I am lusted for by every single guy in the goddam school. Wow. Go me. Okay, enough of the happiness. Snape sees me and turns into a rabbit (a very cute rabbit, if I may add) and hops away, leaving me the pleasure to take the little boys to bed. No, not in that way you sadistic perverted freaks. I escorted them to their rooms and went to bed myself. Wow, what a day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok, so my last chapter was pretty good, I hope. So im gonna do another chappie for u guys! Sorry for not doing this sooner, just loads of stuff going on. K. here it is.**

Disclaimer:

** J.K Rowling has just entered the chat room**

**J.K Rowling:** Hi people in the room. Im J.K Rowling.

**Goodfairy:** What are you talking about? IM J.K Rowling!

**Flutterby:** wait a second, wait a second. You're making a mistake. Im J.K Rowling.

**J.K Rowling:** Im just gonna have to kill you both because you will steal all my money and glory and…paparazzi! (pulls out gun and shoots **Goodfairy **and** Flutterby** in the heads. They die.

Ok, so after my little, encounter… with Snapelicious… okay, fine, so I took a lust spell because…I also like Snape. And Harry, because…he has a scar on his forehead so if I marry him and make babies with him, lets put it this way, id be filthy rich and...I'd get loads of plastic surgery. (Mwahahahahahahahahaha) And Ron, because…. he has freckles…Oh, and Blaise, because he is Italian, and Seamus because of his muscles, and Dean because he is a pig and…quite frankly…I like pigs.

Ok, so after the encounter, I tried to see him as much as possible. By the way, it turns out I broke up with Drakie because I found him in the janitors closet with Filch…getting it on… try and picture that and you'll figure out why we aren't going out anymore.

I sat next to Snapie in class, I offered him head, sex, massages, hot chocolate, corsets, fishnet stockings, a counsellor appointment, tickets to the Rocky Horror Picture Show Live and a free gift (aren't all gifts free?). Sadly, he turned them all down, the git. Fucking didn't want to see RHPS because it was too girly for him. Bastard. Anyhoo, I went for Harry next. I started stalking him, drawing pictures of his scar, making little dolls of him out of discarded pin cushions and helping him learn how to do manicures. Yeh, um, manicures. Okay, so it didn't turn out as planned, but its okay, I have Ronniekins! Oh, wait, he's a gay poof who is obsessed with RHPS. Okay, so who is next on my list….BLAISE!

"Oh Blaise…" I said, as seductively as I could, which wasn't that hard because I had a cold so my voice was husky…wicked. I circled him, grabbed him from behind and had my way with him. I think. I don't remember much because I woke up in the janitor closet. I do know I fucked someone…just not who. They do like janitor closets though and I found a set of janitor keys on the floor next to a note saying "Don't worry, next time I find you in the restricted area, I wont report you to Professor McGonagall" Then there was a signature at the bottom and the person's name started with an F…3 guesses who it was because I cant be fucked figuring it out myself.

So Blaise avoided me for the rest of the term. I didn't want to hurt anybody, such as Seamus or Dean because…I found out something about them I shouldn't have found out. All I can say is that I wont be walking into any empty classrooms again, EVER. Whips and chains were at the scene of the crime, as well as 2 boys from my year in Gryffindor…

Hmmm, what to do, what to do. All of this lust and no one to use it on. What about Dobby, he is free this weekend. Maybe the little elf needs some help rearranging th kitchen…. Or how about Luscious Malfoy, he always seems a little…tense, too tense for my liking. Oh, and then there is Voldie of course, the sexy old man with a license to ride a…broomstick. He is powerful. Instead of making babies with Harry, how 'bout Voldie. I could still get plastic surgery and…Okay, fine, it's a stupid idea.

DUMBLEYDORE! That's it! He is wise and old and…wise. Oh forget it. Maybe I should just go back to my books. I could…do something with books, right?

I sat in the dark quiet corner of the library reading a big leather bound book when I glanced over and saw the Slytherin Ugly God, Draco Malfoy. He approached me, of course, what else was he supposed to do, watch me read my big…BIG leather book full of…stuff.. I stared down at my book just pretending that I didn't realize he was right in front of me, because im so god damn sexy!

He looked me right in the face and said "Hermione, you are beautiful. I think I like you. You have changed so much, from being a bookworm to a mature young lady that I see before me. Come away with me, in the night, lets spend the night together and wish this would never end. Don't worry, I don't care if anyone finds out about our relationship because I don't care what the think of me because I love you Hermione Jane Granger, I love you so much I could pluck a star out of the sky and it still wouldn't shine as brightly as your beautiful smile."

"Finished yet?" I asked him. "Yes Hermione, I have, what is your decision?" he asked. "Go find Filch you fucking bastard" I said, quietly, and pointed to the door. He pulled a red rose out of his pocket and left it on the floor. This was getting a bit too cheesy for me so i decided to go and find my new fuck-buddy, Hagrid. I like tall men. Makes me feel small and vulnerable. I like that. So, me the bookworm, geek and Gryffindork, spent my night having a bit of fun with Hagrid, the giant monster who has an obsession with animals. After all, he IS a trisexual…he'll try anything once…even with animals.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:**

**I don't own anything. If I did, J.K Rowling would kill me and eat my intestines, smother it in salt, and then rip my heart out and eat it for dinner.**

**Okay, so I only got 3 reviews…but that alright I guess. I thought this chapter was funny but I guess the rest of u thought I must have been drunk. Well…in all honesty…I was. On chocolate. See, I had some chocolate and one thing led to another and…you get the picture. So here is the next chapter in my oh so lovely fanfic.**

So, where was i? oh, yes, that's right. I found myself tangled up in a humungous bed with a huge hairy man. I tried to remember what on earth had happened last night but all I could remember was pissing Malfoy off, by trying to seduce Blaise. Who the fuck was this man?

He turned to face me and whispered, "You were great last night you know", and then played with my hair. I looked at his features to figure out who he was. When I realized who he was I shrugged, looked under the covers to find myself completely naked. I shrug again. It was only when I realized that he was naked and that we were sleeping in the same bed that I let out a blood-curdling scream. I jumped out of his bed, took a rock cake and fled, wearing only a nightgown that used to belong to his dead troll wife.

I got back to the Great Hall to find Filch and his cat Mrs Norris, cleaning the hallway. I sneered at him and cringed at the thought of him and Malfoy in the janitor closet, but all he did was lean towards me and say "you were great last night, you know". I didn't understand what he meant so I just shrugged and ran away.

Snape doesn't like me anymore. In fact, he hates me. Maybe its coz I said no to giving him a blowjob. Maybe its coz I said no to making babies with him. Maybe its coz I found him in the janitor closet with Filch. I have no fucking idea. But I better get to the bottom of this.

I found him, in his dark mysterious potions lab, wearing a big, big, long, big…lab coat. He looked up at me and realized I was there. He ran out of the room, went on his computer, went on Ebay, and purchased a husky voice. It came in a matter of minutes and he put it in his voice box, turned around, and whispered in the husky voice "Hello Hermione"

I moved towards him, put a hand to my head as if swooning from his husky voice, and pretended to fall, only to be caught by him. I looked up into his eyes and he looked into mine. We moved closer together. And closer. And closer. Until…

Dumbleydore burst into the room, making Snape throw me to the ground. Then, Dumbleydore said "Let go of her Snape. You are fired. Really, having a sexual relationship with a student! You should know better! Snape sulked from the room, pouting. When he was gone, Dumbleydore locked the door and advanced towards me. "You didn't think id want to miss out on the action then, did you Miss Granger?" he asked, moving right up to me and making me back into the wall. He was tugging at my clothes when suddenly…

Voldie arrived! "Let go of her Albus! You are killed. Really, having a sexual relationship with a student? You should know better! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he screamed, as a flash of green came from his…wand, lets say..yes…his WAND. Albus fell to the ground (evil laughter) and Voldie had his way with me for the rest of the evening. I like powerful men. Especially when ive found out that they want to kill me afterwards…


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey people. Wow, what an eventful life I have had while not writing this crap story. Yes, I admit, it is a complete pile of shit which I decided to continue writing only because I have nothing else to do in my boring life. Hermione will be a stripper, with many people (cough MALES cough) to watch her…perform I guess. Or maybe I will make up some random shit up instead. You are just going to have to read my story.**

**Disclaimer: would I waste my time writing stories on the Internet when I could just publish them and get millions like J.K Rowling? No way. Therefore…not mine. End of story.**

Hermione was stuck in a room with her three bestest friends in the entire universe: Ginny Weasley, Parvati Patil and Lavender whats-her-face. They were very excited about something. What it was, I have absofuckinglutely no idea whatsoever, so don't come and ask me. Anyway, so they were excited. They threw pillows at each other, killed Voldie and ate his liver (with a bit of salt and gravy on the side) and even got as far as to invite Hagrid over for some fun.

Now, what about our dear friend Malfoy. Well, he decided to become a comedian (really a clown but he wanted to sound more professional) He cries himself to sleep every night, slashes his wrists, killed his parents and misses Hermione very much.

Ron became a stripper, with mostly a male audience coming to see him. His songs are mostly about growing up as a transvestite in his home town of Yugoslavia. He married a guy named Frankenfurter and they lived happily ever after.

Harry had to live in St. Mungoes for the rest of his life, after being scared into a state of shock by his, supposedly, best friend Ron. Ginny visits him every Monday and Thursday.

Ginny is having an affair with Blaise. They have 3 kids named Angelina, Barbara and Condom. They love each other very much.

Blaise has 1 child with Pansy, named Broken. Broken and Condom are best friends, as they were made the way their names are. (If that makes sense- broken condom…)

Neville owns the strip bar where Ron works and likes watching him, especially with Frankenfurter.

Hermione and Filch are now…married isn't the right word…sex-buddies. They meet every night at around 10:32pm. Details are on BBC news.

Voldie, as you might have read, was killed by Hermione and her friends.

And as for me? Well, lets just say I have a lot of entertainment in my life. Catch ya later!

**Hope you liked it. Its done, over, Kaput. Thank God. Never write again!**


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